Pressure Points

There's a pervasive assumption going around that the Bengals defense will be as good or better than they were last year. This is based primarily on the fact that they're young which is supported by another assumption that young players naturally improve as they age. If this is to happen, the Bengals must develop a pass rush; something that's been sorely lacking in the last few seasons.

The inability to collect sacks has put the onus on a pair of high-priced defensive ends in Robert Geathers and Antwan Odom. Each at one time has signed $30 million contracts with the Bengals, both missed time last year with injuries and neither was able to live up to their huge salary-cap number, racking up a combined 5.5 sacks.

It seems like a decade ago when Geathers ended 2006 with 10.5 sacks. Optimism for the athletic lineman skyrocketed after that performance and resulted in a 6-year, $33 million deal. He has only accumulated six sacks since he fell into that big money, and ended last season by undergoing micro-fracture knee surgery. Let's all hope his best years aren't already behind him.

Odom seemed doomed from the start; he hurt his foot on the first day of training camp last season and missed the entire preseason. He healed slowly, starting only eight games before injuring his shoulder and calling it a year. During his fairly limited action, Odom was only credited with three sacks but he did show a serviceable speed rush and a knack for swatting the ball out of the quarterback's hands before the pass could be thrown. He forced two fumbles that way last year and was close to a few more. While perhaps not as athletically freakish as Geathers, Odom has shown an ability to create some pressure on his own.

If these big-shots are unable to stay healthy or prove to be ineffective, the team has made contingency plans to move on without them. Backups Frostee Rucker and Jonathan Fanene have in the past been shoved into live action thanks to the starters' injuries and have looked particularly solid against the run. If that's not enough, third-round pick, Michael Johnson, the man who causes scouts to foam at the mouth at his size and athleticism, has signed his rookie contract and is ready to leap tall buildings in a single bound. There's even talk about using him at outside linebacker when the defense shows a 3-4 defensive set. He's one to look out for during preseason games.

If the injury bug hits the defensive end unit especially hard, larger linebackers like Darryl Blackstock and Rashad Jeanty might be pressed into action along the line and that doesn't sound very intimidating for other teams.

As for the fat guys, the defensive tackles, they've never been much of a force getting to the quarterback under Marvin Lewis. Newcomer Tank Johnson is said to be most comfortable rushing the passer and will be supported by up-and-comers Domata Peko and Pat Sims against the run. There's been talk of using Tank, Geathers, Odom and Johnson at the same time in order to get the best pass-rushers on the field together. Also in the mix is the gargantuan second-year player Jason Shirley, a man so big he casts shadows over whole city blocks.

If the defensive tackles don't regularly disrupt the passing game, hopefully they can at least occupy blockers to allow linebackers and ends to burst through the pocket untouched. Pass-rushing extraordinaires like Roy Williams and Rey Maualuga could shine in that kind of scenario.

One of these days, the Bengals defense will have to be better than solid; they'll have to actually scare teams. Stopping the run is great and all, but putting the quarterback on his back makes a team think twice about their game plan. If the big money players don't earn their keep this season and get some sacks, a new approach to the pass rush experiment may be in order.

Mojokong---only 16 days away!

Undammed

While cameras and microphones hover around Bengals rookie Rey Maualuga, another linebacker from USC is quietly preparing for what could turn out be a Pro-Bowl-caliber season.

Keith Rivers, drafted ninth overall in 2008, returns for his second season with a new realization of just how violent the NFL can be. In Week 7 of last year, Pittsburgh receiver Hines Ward, blind-sided Rivers on a down-field block, breaking his jaw and sending tremors through the televisions of anyone watching. The team was left without their most promising linebacker and Rivers was left eating through a straw.

Prior to such an abrupt setback, Rivers was on his way to a nice season. In just over six games, Rivers racked up 37 tackles and returned a pick 39 yards against Dallas—add 10 more games on to that season and he’d be close to 100 tackles and probably another interception or two. He did show rookie mistakes at times—and was hard on himself for making them—but it’s a learning curve that nearly every player goes through.

But a new day has dawned for the eager Keith Rivers who now eats his food like we do. Even his divisional foes think he’ll return with a vengeance. In a July 7th article, ESPN blogger James Walker, surveyed 32 anonymous AFC North players and asked them which player in the division is most likely to have a breakout year. Players could not vote for themselves or for a teammate. The number one response was Keith Rivers.

Playing alongside the same man of his college days, Maualuga, can only help both linebackers. Familiarity and a common football language, particularly with younger players, seems awfully important when learning a new defensive scheme. Rey will also help Rivers by just being on the field. If opposing teams focus on eliminating Maualuga, then Rivers will be free to make tackles—something he’s shown he’s capable of doing.

You can’t blame the media for falling for Maualuga. He smiles all the time, he has burly tatoos and a mangy head, and he drives ball-carriers through cement walls; he’s marketable. Rivers only sells hard-work, discipline and a business-like approach to football, and those words don’t make for good headlines. Not to say that Rey doesn’t share these qualities, but it’s his general exuberance that fans are drawn to.

Rivers should come into the season with a new chip on his shoulder, hungry to do damage of his own. With Maualuga’s carpeet-bombing style of play, mixed in with Rivers’ percise, missile-strike tackles—not to mention the sage wisdom of Dhani Jones and the tall and loping Brandon Johnson—this linebacker corps has the ingredients to be great. While the others each have cool abilities and attributes to them, Rivers should be the Optimus Prime of the group and lead the way.

Mojokong—transform and roll out.

Slim Pickins

Bengals wide-out Chris Henry may have been foolish a half-dozen or so times, but he’s no dummy. He’s well aware that his contract runs out after this year, and as it is for every player in that situation, big plays can translate into big bucks.

“I'm planning on coming in and dominating this season and really show all my fans in the world I'm a ballplayer and I belong in the NFL,” Slim told Sporting News Radio in an interview.

He should also know that another legal incident would almost definitely be his last while in the NFL. The man whose name is synonymous with adjectives like oft-troubled and tumultuous, has been regularly endorsed by the more-reputable Carson Palmer as working hard and keeping his nose clean all off-season.

Palmer has always raved about the abilities and talent that Henry has demonstrated in practices. We’ve certainly all seen flashes of his greatness on Sundays as well. He’s the only Bengal receiver with some real size that can create match-up issues on smallish corners. Others rely on their speed and quickness, but Henry can get high (stop snickering) on jump-ball passes in the corner of the end-zone or even on bombs.

It seems to me that in today’s NFL, players who provide unique resources to the team are more valuable than a versatile guy that can do a lot of things pretty well. Henry is very tall, also quite talented, but he’s more valuable to the Bengals because he’s very tall. If they had another tall player like Roy Williams (the receiver) then they would need Henry a lot less. This is the kind of philosophy that leads me to believe that Andre Caldwell serves the same function as did T.J. Houshmandzadeh., and both of them were not necessary. Henry serves the very-tall-guy function for this team, and because of that, the Bengals need him more.

Two things must fall into place for Chris Henry to solidify a once precarious place in the NFL.

First, as momma say, he must mind his p’s & q’s. Drive the speed limit, keep illegal things at home, or probably more advisable, away altogether, and surround yourself with unarmed people behaving in a socially acceptable manor. Slim doesn’t seem like much of a talker. Those are the kind of guys who are the ones to look out for during a confrontation. Those guys are doers, not talkers or even thinkers. It’s vital that Chris think before he does.

The second thing he must do is stay healthy. It isn’t a matter of playing well; when he plays, he does it well. It’s a matter of playing. He’s been suspended 17 games by my count, and one knee injury–the less dramatic knee injury that occurred on the play when Carson also went down in the Playoffs. Once he did return, after the entire organization lined up to say he wouldn’t, he didn’t exactly wow anyone who was forced to watch that suicide channel of a season last year. But in fairness, he did have Ol’ Fitzpatrick flinging the ball at random in self-defense, and it’s probably hard to get up on Sunday mornings if you’re Ol’ Fitzy’s receiver for the day.

He will still be listed as the third-receiver on the current depth-chart, but Carson looks for him on plenty of designed plays to at least show the world that he’s dangerous (on the field! On the field! Look, you really have to take this seriously, if I’m to continue. Thank you. Now, where was I? Ah, yes).

It seems like we can’t have a blog-post these days without talking about the loss of the salary-cap, but it’s a real thing that appears imminent and teams will plan their futures accordingly. It’s because of this that the Bengals would do well to lock-up Chris Henry for at least three more years, before the rest of the league has the chance to get their grubby paws on him.

Once Chad’s contract is up in 2011, the team could have the upper-hand in bargaining position if Henry excels in the way that he’s capable. “We already have a star,” they could tell the man with two numbers in a swanky, movie-producer voice, “and he talks a lot less than you do. Ha!” Ocho would becomes flummoxed and vanish in a puff of pink smoke, finally with nothing to say.

Even If Chris were to relapse into the shadowy underbelly of drugs, guns and women of the night, than the world could collectively shrug and decide that there’s just no helping some people. But those around him are convinced that those days are behind him, and so what if they aren’t? The man has used up his nine lives and is working on credit at this point. The Bengals are something of a fallout shelter for Henry. He’d be wise just to move in for good.

Mojokong—Big ups to the local Nightmare and his precious little future.

Buy a Graham?

The value of a kicker in Cincinnati is still unknown as the Bengals were unable to strike a long-term deal with franchise-tagged place-kicker Shayne Graham, before the time to negotiate expired on Wednesday.

Shugah Shayne will earn a cool $2.5 million for the upcoming season, the average of the top-5 paid kickers throughout the league. The Bengals will have the chance to lock him up long-term again when the season ends. They also have the option to franchise-tag him again next year.

Many casual spectators are shocked that a team would ever slap the franchise-tag on a kicker, but these little guys are earning some decent contracts these days (in fairness, every NFL kicker is bigger than me). Titans kicker Rob Bironas just signed a deal that gives him $3 million a year. Is Golden Graham worth that kinda cheese?

No.

But should the Bengals have signed him to it anyway?

Yes.

(*At this point, the shrewdest of readers are no doubt correctly accusing me of flip-flopping on this particular topic. So what? Sue me.)

When the collective bargaining agreement expires after 2010 and the salary cap disappears after this season, Mike Brown will have the chance to sign someone cheaper and pass over Graham altogether. Under that kind of thinking, it seems unlikely that they would tag him in consecutive years. That would leave the team with no kicker at all ending the 2009 season and that makes me kind of nervous.

Graham struggles from outside 40 yards, he’s missed some big ones and he hasn’t shown that he can consistently kick-off. But he’s money inside 40 yards, he’s made some big ones too and he’s an outstanding community figure.

Some kickers fall apart fast. Mike Vanderjagt was an All-Pro with the Colts, but then got mouthy about Peyton Manning on a Canadian talk show and ruined his karma.

Other kickers are reborn with a new team. The Bengals suffered through some nauseating field-goal attempts shanked off the foot of Neil Rackers, only to watch him join Arizona and make the most field goals in a season ever.

Then there are those kickers who just can’t stop kicking: Gary Anderson, Morten Andersen, John Carney. These men are like those who never retire because they just don’t know what they’d do with themselves all day. In retirement, they go around kicking things they spot on the ground and running around chest-bumping people. It’s sad, really.

Mr. Graham has all the symptoms of falling into this last category, so he might as well fade into his NFL dementia with the Bengals. When another quality kicker comes down the pike for the team, they can afford to cut Graham if they have to, but until then, a long-term deal would insure that at least a manageable player holds down such a crucial position.

Mojokong—with all due consideration.

Carson's Day in the Sun

Driving to Kentucky around this time of year must feel like Groundhog Day for Carson Palmer. This year’s summer sojourn to the blue-grassed campus of Georgetown College will be his seventh, only this time, he’s suddenly become one of the older guys. When did this happen??

Carson gazes onto a practice field where he prepped years ago for a season of intense observation of the cunning and wily Jon Kitna. Only now, the new wave of observers are all staring at him.

Six actual playing seasons (and can you really count last season as a credited season?), two significant injuries (knee/elbow) and 15,630 yards into his career, Palmer is not yet near his twilight, but perhaps well into his prime. Expectations of his play exceeding what he’s already demonstrated seem out of reach and even unfair.

The statistics of Carson’s success, like many other quarterbacks, seem closely correlated with the amount of rushing yards the team accumulates. Every season since his MVP-caliber season of 2005 (32 tds, 12 int, 3,836 yds, 101.1 rtg), Palmer’s passing yards have gone up while his quarterback rating and his wins have declined. In that time the running game produced less yardage each year.

The injuries and the decrepitation of Chris Perry has a key role in those statistics. With a decent two-back system, Palmer likely would have thrown less and may have improved statistically, but the point isn’t about stats, it’s what Palmer’s play looks like, and that hasn’t changed a bit.

It seems safe to say that the scouting report on No. 9 isn’t going to look much different in the next six years or so: Big arm, modest mobility, quite sackable. I’ve used the Drew Bledsoe comparison before and I’m sticking with it. Give the guy time and a run game and he can light up the fantasy-football universe; take away a run game and sack him five times a game and he just might lead the league in interceptions (2007/20) or get hurt.

If Benson busts through with big yardage this year and the line holds up even a little on pass-protection, than Carson should lead this offense on some successful Sunday campaigns in 2009 and look good doing it. He’s a smart guy who works extremely hard and seems to really care about his team; I would want no other quarterback in the league based on those qualities.

Carson’s an excellent example for the youngsters in Georgetown eager to impress the captain on the field. The coaches know the value of their star and what conditions he works best in. The need for a running game has been listed as a team concern since Rudi Johnson became unreliable. Palmer’s not getting worse anytime soon, but it seems to me that he has reached his ceiling and won’t get much better. He’s got some fun new toys to play with and a growing crop of offensive lineman; he’ll soon have all he needs to prove me wrong. Let’s see him do it.

Mojokong—blue grass, bourbon & the Bengals

Fullbacks & Tight Ends

What’s there not to like about these grunts? Both are positions that ultimately require more physical brute than gifted skill, and, as the Bengals have demonstrated in the past decade or so, it isn’t necessary for them to touch the ball all that often. They’re typically guys the size of punching bags there to act as a barrier between defender and ball-carrier and nothing else. Sure it’s nice to have an agile few in the bunch; guys who can distract the defense into thinking they might actually catch a pass or two, but when it comes down to it, they are there to block.

Which brings me to several points.

First is the value of Reggie Kelly. Yes, he’s getting old for NFL standards. I know that he doesn’t have much play-making ability, and it’s true his replacement was probably drafted in Chase Coffman, but if nothing else, the man can block very well. I remember Brian Billick once referring to Kelly as a third tackle after a game.

Also, Carson loves the guy; even publicly pressuring management to resign him in the press conference after the last game in 2006. And best yet, he’s often been graced with the increasingly-valuable title of a “good locker-room guy”; the kind of label the Bengals sorely need to help balance out the negative perception that the team seems mired in nationally.

Kelly has never been a dazzling receiver; he’s the king of the pitty-patter footwork after he catches it, usually good for three or four yards a pop. He actually tied his career high with 31 catches last year, but the majority of those came on panic throws Fitzgerald squeezed out as he ran around for his life all season. Kelly isn’t stretching any defenses anytime soon, but his blocking ability and reputable work ethic make Reggie a keeper.

Then there’s Ben Utecht. Ben has a lot to prove this season after battling injuries and dropped passes in his 2008 campaign. There was some noticeable optimism centered around Utecht after the Bengals signed him as a free-agent from Indy last off-season, but in Week 2, Titans’ linebacker David Thornton, exploded into Utecht’s chest and forced him to be removed on a stretcher. He was never able to showcase himself much after that, racking up just 10 catches on the season. If Coffman shows himself as the exciting, pass-catching tight end the Bengals are counting on him to be, then Utecht could find himself looking for a new team next year.

Yes, the pass-catching tight end seems to have become more vital for teams than it once was. Of course there have always been greats at the position, but these days, it seems every team is terribly excited to get their hands one of those precious, mismatch tight ends that are driving defensive coordinators just bonkers.

You know the types, too fast for linebackers and too big for corners & safeties. They’re actually breeding a new type of defensive back in order to stop this very thing; there’s a safety for USC named Taylor Mays who should arrive on the scene soon to help the situation. So, if the tight end has proven to be such a proven offensive weapon, then why can’t the fullback perform a similar, if not exact same function?

This idea is nothing new; Keith Byars was a great receiving fullback, Tony Richardson another. Fullbacks have played important roles in the passing game before, but that certainly has not happened with the Bengals under Marvin Lewis. It’s been mentioned how the passing game didn’t need help from tight-ends or fullbacks in its prime, but that is the former offense that has presumably been dragged off into the woods and put to sleep.

Luckily for Mr. Lewis, a perfect candidate for the pass-catching fullback persona is within arms reach. Brian Leonard, the proverbial gritty guy inexplicably traded from the Rams to the Bengals, is comfortable with either smashing into defenders on run blocks, catching dump-off passes underneath or taking hand offs. Whatever the weather.

Leonard caught over 200 passes in college and managed another 30 during his rookie season in St. Louis. He also racked up 32 rushing touchdowns and nearly 3000 yards on the ground at Rutgers. While not particularly big and fast like many of the high-profile tight ends in the league, Leonard has a chance to play a role in the Bengals offense that they haven’t enjoyed since Derrick Fenner in the mid-90's.

For those who insist on the more traditional, buffalo-type fullbacks that charge into anything and everything headfirst, fortunately for you, Fui Vakapuna was recently signed to his rookie contract. Fui Man Chui (it’s a working nickname that can change on a whim. Just go with it for now), is a squat & rugged garbage can of a man, who is 260 lbs. and appears to live without a neck. He’ll do just fine as a buffalo.

As for Jeremi Johnson, like Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs, his issues controlling his weight seem to have made his chances for future success on the team, bleak.

Perhaps this is the season when we see featured grunt players within the Bengals passing attack. It’s a new year and a new offense. Brat, Marvin and Carson have all talked about how this version will be different than the one we all watched plummet back to Earth. It might be smart to insulate this next attempt with fullbacks and tight ends to cushion the impact

Mojokong—wearing a striped astronaut helmet while blogging from space. I’m a very cosmic ape, you know.

On Who's Replacing Housh

While the verbose Chad Ochocinco continues to yammer away about anything and everything,
he has managed one worthwhile quote about his new, much quieter teammate, Laveranues Coles.

"T.J.'s gone. Laveranues is here. They're two different types of players - completely different. They have two different types of styles, but they will both be successful." said the man with two numbers.

It’s a challenge to find Coles’ name on the internet without finding T.J. Houshmandzadeh’s nearby and many expect Coles to become the offensive replacement for Housh. Their numbers compare favorably, and Coles will certainly “start” along side Chad in Week 1, but as the human megaphone said, they have different styles.

Coles seems more in the mold of the little-guy receiver. He isn’t much smaller than Housh, but he seems more synonymous with players like Steve Smith, Santana Moss and Antwaan Randle-El. T.J. is a medium-sized receiver, who isn’t all that fast, has a 14-letter surname and is half-Irani—good luck finding a comparison with that. But, aside from the Persian heritage, one could bring up Derrick Mason, or, dare I even say it, Hines Ward, as receiver comparisons. Coles is listed at 5'11'’ and 193 lbs. but seems to play much more squirrel-like than his size indicates. That isn’t to say that the man isn’t tough—he’s plenty tough—it’s just to say that he seems to move about more frantically than does Housh. T.J. plays the game with a certain dash of style that is difficult for anyone else to emulate.

However, we do have one guy who could do just that.

If it’s a T.J. prototype you’re after, look no further than second-year Bengal Andre Caldwell. Late in the season last year, Caldwell showed flashes of Housh on crossing and comeback routes, took hand-offs on reverses and even had some direct snaps in the stylish Wildcat offense that everyone’s trying out these days. It became quickly apparent that Caldwell had been studying and learning from the pony-tailed guru, and though they may have not realized it at the time, a certain torch was passed between the two.

Coles will do different things for the offense—perhaps a kind of Peter Warrick role—than Houshmandzadeh has recently done for the team. But if Caldwell has the same determination as T.J. and even an eighth of the analytical mind that Housh plays with, then the Bengals are harboring yet another pro-bowl potential receiver as deep as fourth on the team’s depth chart.

If Carson Palmer is protected, this passing attack could actually wake up and breathe fire again.

Mojokong — run for the hills!!

Andre Smith Does Not Make Miracles (But He Helps)

Last year, offensive line coach Paul Alexander watched his long-time leader Willie Anderson mosey out of Georgetown College to give way to the franchise-tagged Stacy Andrews. In the off-season, Andrews was set free to give way to first-rounder Andre Smith. If training camp starts without Smith signed and on the field, then Smith gives way to another young tackle-—second-year player, Anthony Collins. And from there, no one knows.

But once Willie was cut, this is what we wanted, right? Levi was damaged and no longer usable, Andrews was mediocre on his better days and Ghiacuic was light and pillowy. Backups were installed and the run-game improved. We should have played these guys all season, we told one another with back slaps and clinking glasses; the future is a bright a one after all.

The joviality continued on draft day with the announcement that the Bengals had selected the Alabama goliath to assist the ragtag bunch up front on offense.

But then reports began to surface of how Smith was changing his agents the way teens change their Facebook status, and suddenly the possibility of a hold-out increased. Nervous eyes shifted; hands were wrung. They’re still wringing.

Yet Smith says all the right things publicly about how he wants and expects to be in training camp on time and looks forward to a deal getting done soon. One doesn’t need a personal adviser to know that in Marvin Lewis’ camp, if you’re unable to be on the field in practice then you’re unable to play in games—it truly is that simple. It makes sense that he wants to be in camp on time, but the real question is, does he want the money more?

If Smith makes it to the miniature campus of Georgetown College on time for the hot two-a-day practices and rookie-hazing pranks that he’s sure to love, then he’ll likely line up at tackle on the first snap in Week 1. If he basks in the air conditioning of his home and eats while his team fights through training camp, a player like Nate Livings could be named as a starter and Cedric Benson might then begin to worry (some depth charts have Livings starting even with Smith in there, and have Whitworth at left tackle and Anthony Collins backing up Smith on the right side. Complete nonsense, if you ask me. Why would you move Whitworth from a spot he seems to excel at and move him to a spot where he’s struggled? And, while we’re asking questions in a rant, why would you bench Anthony Collins after he impressed everyone after taking over for Levi Jones last season? Nonsense, I say!).

With or without Smith, the offensive line will be young, and untested—the kind of line that the Steelers & Ravens climb out of bed to investigate. With him, Bratkowski can take comfort in centering the run behind the big rookie. Without him, Brat might have to challenge his creative mind more than he’d like to.

Either way, the longtime heavyweight, Bobbie Williams, has been shoved into the role of the line’s leader and hopefully the youngsters can stop laughing at his jokes long enough to actually learn something from him. Opposing defenses will try to trick the inexperienced crew into giving up sacks and it’s up to Big Bobbie to identify some of that before it strikes.

Like Levi & Willie during the offenses’ heyday, Smith & Collins could become the next installment of permanent bookends, but it will take time for them to blossom to the level we enjoyed only five seasons ago. Having Smith in training camp could help Paul Alexander get this unit into serviceable shape in a relatively short time-frame, but even so, some growing pains should be expected.

Mojokong—just putting cones around the bumps in the road. It’s up to someone else to actually pave them.

Bengals in Sheep's Clothing

It’s interesting how within the testosterone-charged arenas of professional sports, the fashions of team uniforms are so widely discussed. Even some of the most gruff, fashionably-indifferent fans take these things seriously which means Market Research takes them even more so and winds up sinking lots of money and time on the unveiling of new uniforms and logos.

Jerseys have come full-circle in our culture in the past few decades.

Fans once wore jerseys strictly in support of their favorite team or player and mainly just wore them to games or team events. Our grandparents likely knew the crowd at a mid-summer’s baseball game to be dressed in fedoras and jackets! Even 30 years ago jerseys were not as massed-produced but were made upon request and were more costly than they are today. Teams realized the market potential for flimsier, more affordable “replica” jerseys and fans gobbled them up, eager to enhance an artificial sense of belonging with the team.

Eventually, consumers purchased jerseys strictly because they had become fashionable, sometimes without any knowledge of the player, team or sport. This fashion trend has resonated deepest within the urban and hip-hop communities who often wear them excessively oversized for reasons that seem to flatly contradict any form of function or comfort.

Designers of uniforms have just begun to move away from the flashier, highly-accented styles that have dominated new uniforms over the past two decades, and are reverting to the simpler, “throw-back” style of the older generations. It always seemed surprising that Market Research didn’t make this shift sooner considering how everyone agrees how nice the Raiders, Celtics and Yankees look in their classic threads. Then again, it’s sensible business practice to change jersey’s every decade so that consumers will follow suit. Some college teams seem to change something on their uniform every year. The Oregon Ducks might someday soon change uniforms after halftime—their football team is up to five different uniforms for this upcoming season.

Which leads us to our favorite team.

Over the past 20 years the Bengals have earned themselves some dubious titles: Least Likely to Succeed, Most Inept and Biggest Laughing Stock, have, at different times, all been tossed around in various publications and conversation circles. But recently, a list on ESPN.com’s “Uni-Watch” has presented the Bengals with the Worst Dressed award too, which adds a certain socially-devastating element to the collection of insults. It’s one thing to be the nerdy kid with the funny clothes—at least that guy is smart and gets good grades. It’s quite another thing to be the fat, smelly kid with the funny clothes who refuses to speak to anyone and picks his nose a lot. No team wants to be that guy within their league.

But, unlike winning-percentages and playoff droughts, the Bengals’ uniforms can be easily fixed. The first, and most general improvement, would be to simply tone down the Orange. I invite you to look at a tiger (in person and close up if possible, but an internet search will do as well), and notice how the orange does not resemble a similar shade to that of hunting gear but more of a rusty, burnt orange—gamboge, if you like.

As much as it makes me squirm in my seat to say so, the Cleveland Brown orange looks more like the appropriate coloration of a bengal than does the Bengals’ shade; that just isn’t right. When the Bengals decide to don their alternate jerseys on a bright day, the sun reflects an orange so hot and intense, that sometimes they appear pink. The team has a hard enough time finding their place in the NFL without being pink!

The next step to a reasonable uniform for the Bengals is to eliminate all the highlights and accents that are splattered upon the players’ torsos and legs. Side panels along the sides can be removed altogether. The drop-shadow to the numbers can go as well and the neck collar should be the same color as the jersey. To avoid looking like gang of Halloween-themed supervillians, the Bengals marketing department should keep in mind that less is more—a motto they no doubt have heard echoed elsewhere throughout the halls and meeting rooms of PBS.

If a more radical uniform change is called for, I say eliminate the orange altogether and become the white bengal tigers, like the ones that stalk the cages of the city’s zoo. The helmets would be white with black stripes, and silver could be added as a third color to the jerseys and pants. This would probably cause Oakland to grumble about stealing their colors, at which point, we would remind Raider Nation that what we stole were shades and not colors and to go eat more raw meat or bludgeon things, or however it is they spend their time. The less colorful ensemble would remove the jokes about pumpkins and trick-or-treat and the like, and might actually look, as the kids say, hard.

Lastly, returning to the uniform of the 70's would be an improvement. The basic helmets* with Bengals written on the side are hard to argue against. The jerseys are black with white block numbers and an orange stripe on the sleeve; nothing wrong with that. With Pittsburgh and Cleveland already stuck on the classic look, a permanent throwback would fit nicely in the rust-belt AFC North.

*It’s worth pointing out that there’s nothing wrong with the style of the current helmets. Just because the football world can’t adjust to horizontal stripes, doesn’t mean that it’s a poor design. Bengal tigers everywhere would be insulted if the team that represented them were to change their stripes. The helmet design is the only salvageable part to the uniform.

Yet none of this is likely to occur anytime soon since money was spent on a uniform change five years ago. Ultimately, uniforms are trivial concerns when it comes to assembling and maintaining a professional sports franchise, and fans will always care about such matters far more than anyone else involved—aside from Market Research. But purchasing a Maualuga jersey has become a bit more difficult to manage knowing that it’s the worst jersey in sports. It’s a little dismaying.

Mojokong—dressed to the nines.