Old vs. New

The Steelers are there again, pounding their chests, waving their penalty flags (a.k.a terrible towels) and admiring themselves in the mirror as they do so. They’ve resumed their customary place on the podium to remind the world – lest any of us have forgotten – that they feel quite at home at the Super Bowl and they intend to get comfortable as quickly as possible. Yet, while all this bravado goes on in the limelight, there’s Mr. LaBeau tinkering in his workshop, preparing for the big one.

He’s dusted off the 2005 Bengals blueprint, but marked out the name and wrote in its place: 2008 Cardinals. There are plenty of similarities: dynamic receivers, a good-enough ground-game and a quarterback who knows his system well. The difference is that Kurt Warner can get the ball out quickly and adjust to three-step drops if the pressure gets too heavy, while our boy, Carson, has rarely shown that kind of craftsmanship. Alas, Dick knows how to go about this.

Against a deep-threat passing attack, I look for LeBeau not to bring the house when blitzing, but send a different blitzer on each play. If he can’t simply unleash the hounds – like he does against run-first teams – he’ll have to disguise his blitzes and rely on some of the bigger guys to occasionally drop back into coverage. It’s what made him famous and against a team like Arizona, he gets to show off a little.

If the Cardinals are smart – and they certainly seem to be on to something – they will look to run up the middle on draw plays, in hopes of catching a hole where a lineman has dropped back to play the pass. Then, once Pittsburgh brings more players to the middle on running downs, the Cardinals can work the passing plays along the sidelines. It will only work for so long before LeBeau adjusts, but it could be a way to get early points in a game that shouldn’t produce many.

The other priority when facing Pittsburgh is running backs and tight ends blocking the extra blitzers. Because of LeBeau’s sneaky attack, it can be hard for teams to identify what’s going on in time, which leads to turnovers, sacks, chaos and a busted knee. It’s up to the eloquent Edgerin James, the motorboat Tim Hightower and others to get a clue against the zone-blitz.

Pittsburgh doesn’t need an offense to win Super Bowls, yet they employ one, and it’s rather mediocre at that. No matter. Rothlisberger will rumble around the backfield, dragging people around his ankles, find the nudist, Santonio Holmes, for improvised first-downs and Willie Parker will get a couple of big runs. No surprises here.

The script is an old one. The recipe’s been in the family for years; they’ve only added ketchup recently. The Steelers do what has become expected of them and the rest of us have to walk around with our heads down, bitching about it.

Of course it’s fair. They have a bigger brain than the others. Even in a bone-crunching sport played by flatheaded brutes, it’s still a thinking-man’s game.

Pittsburgh 20, Arizona 13

Mojokong –– Dispatched beneath the great ice storm of 2009.

"Well, say, this beats croquet. There's more go about it!" – Samuel Clemens on football.

Sports Journalism at its Worst: In Three Acts -- Vol. 1

A Rant

ESPN’s ongoing symphony of rumors and hearsay about the NFL off-season came to a crescendo with this story written by the honorable Michael Smith on Jan. 14. Here’s the first paragraph for you.

— A source with knowledge of the team's thinking told ESPN's Michael Smith it has not been ruled out that Herm Edwards could return for the final year of his contract as coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.

This kind of flimsy, no-nothing article has become rampant in sports and it serves such little purpose. All we learn from this piece is that apparently Herm Edwards is still alive.

While we're railing ESPN, I’ve noticed that the bottom line -- which used to scroll scores and stats only -- now roll out every rumor available to them, sometimes at paragraph length.


Another Rant


Here’s a question: why do so many headlines need question marks? Will TO buy new car, used? Mangini to the Expos? Favre??? If you have more than two question-marked headlines on your homepage, you might want to look for better sources. I thought the reader was the one asking the questions. Unfortunately, people are systematically sheep-like and fall for certain tricks every time. Damn the question mark trick; we’re dying to find out and they know it!


A Third Rant


Today I read the new Bengals writer, Joe Reedy, and again, walked away grossly underwhelmed and unsatisfied. Mark Curnutte is a good guy – I don’t really know him that well; I shadowed him around PBS for day and we've exchanged a few emails -- but he wasn’t a football fan, and therefore, wasn’t a great football writer. I think he knew that and it’s probably why he moved back to writing metro stuff. The eventual point through this sizeable digression is that I missed Mark Curnutte on the first read of Joe Reedy. He's so boring. I had hoped for just a dash of personality with the new guy – and thought I had found some with the subhead that talked of “Growing a ground game” – but he interviewed dumb ol’ Bratkowski who gave him the same dumb ol’ spiel.

“With a run game, and a healthy Carson Palmer, we can take more shots downfield.”

Wow, defenses will never see that coming, dumass.

Reedy went on to write that the Bengals will look to use the running backs under contract, as well as sign Cedric Benson and maybe acquire an additional running back in free agency or the draft. Thanks, Joe. Now, give me your job.

Mojokong — in the cold.

Across the Street

Across the street from the playoff party is a shoddy college dormitory where the NFC currently resides. In it, fierce battles of Dungeons & Dragons are played out, while untrue tales of passionate going-ons with pretty girls are told and large amounts of diet colas are ingested. Most in attendance at this sad and pathetic venue would rather be across the street where there really are girls and even booze. But, alas, they have to face the fact that they just aren’t cool enough. If only one or two of them could pull free from the American Gladiators reruns and the real-time computer gaming, they might be noticed by the vivacious crowd partying on the lawn across the street.

The king of the nerds, NYG, suffered what appeared to be an asthma attack mid-move in a tight game of Stratego. It rushed out of the dorm room, not even bothering to shut the door. The next most respectable geek present was the Panthers, but they lost credibility when moms called to complain about curfew and bath-time and such. Red-faced, they too rushed from the sober gathering, scooped up their Yugio cards and cursed at everyone as they exited.

The only two left were Arizona and Philly and they just stared at each other a while, unsure of what to do next. They looked out of the window, saw the party going on, and thought of at least going outside to get a better look. The AFC party noticed these sad little teams peering at them from across the road, and decided to invite them over.

“Oh, no,” said the Steelers. “They’ll ruin our rep. What if we were actually seen with those two? We might not be invited back.”

“How about just one of them, then,” suggested Baltimore, eager to freak out someone new.

“Alright, but they have to fight for it,” the Steelers allowed.

And there you have it.

The Eagles have been to a party like this before and it didn’t go very well for them. They had a hard time getting over being thrown into the swimming pool by the Patriots a few years back. The Cardinals have never had a sniff at action like this, and they can’t wait to run blindly into ridicule and make an ass of themselves as soon as possible. They’ll do anything at this point to be noticed. A team like that is desperate, and therefore dangerous. It’s hard to predict how a team like that might behave.

Still, the Eagles know what it takes to make the trip. They’re surprised to be in the situation they find themselves in, but there’s no point of questioning why; just go with it, they remind themselves. Don’t worry about what happened last time. Who knows, you might just have a little fun.

The strength of the Cardinals is their vertical passing game – a baby can see that. They have the ability to produce points in bunches and can apply a knockout score earlier than most teams in the league. The problem is, Philly has a tremendous (and very expensive) secondary to handle exactly this kind of nuisance. Arizona isn’t a scarey running team, and that front seven of the Eagle defense has shown it’s not going to wilt just because the experts think they should. One slip up by that grey-bearded fox, Kurt Warner, and tears will rain down upon that vast and arid dessert.

Conversely, McNabb too needs to be more careful than spectacular. The Arizona defense is less of a brute than was NYG, and Westbrook should find a few more cracks to run through than he managed last week. Do that, Mr. Westbrook, and your Eagle offense should gain enough momentum to roll out of the Southwest with a win. The world should agree that Andy Reid’s playoff beard has been a worthwhile endeavor and deserves one more week of untidy shagginess.

Go ahead and cross the street, Philadelphia. Maybe they’ll let you drink from the keg.

Eagles 31, Cardinals 27



Mojokong – misplaced.

The Playoff Party

The playoff party is in full swing now, and a few of the perennials still remain.

Indy drank too much early on and threw up in the bushes. Everyone laughed at that and watched the Colts run home in embarrassment. New England thought it would feel better in time for the party, but just couldn’t crack its fever. Many thought that the Chargers had worn out their welcome after bowing out the last few years, but somebody must have told them the address, because they’re here now – dammit.

Of course Pittsburgh is always one of the last to leave. Whoever happens to be hosting that year is typically glad to see them go when they’ve finally had enough. It’s always the same macho-supremacy-tough guy attitude with them; bullying everyone around them and making people take shots of awful liquor. Occasionally, the Ravens sneak in behind Pittsburgh, but eventually someone shows them the door. They can get ... a little crazy sometimes, which makes people around them nervous. But this year, we have a handsome newcomer: the Titans.

Earlier in the year, I argued – vigorously at times – that Tennessee would win the Super Bowl. It’s been correctly pointed out that they have many characteristics I look for in a team (see last blog), but now I don’t see them even beating Baltimore on Saturday. Aside from defensive formations, the two teams are essentially the same. Both rely on the running game and good defense, both have “game managing” qb’s, and so on. The reason I’m picking Baltimore is based on sheer star power from the Raven defense. Ed Reed is one of the best safeties ever, combining a brute toughness with an uncanny awareness. And while Vanden Bosch and Haynesworth will be ready to play Saturday, they don’t quite have what Reed and Ray Lewis bring to the field: the ability to preform the seemingly impossible task when the team needs it most.

Ravens 19, Titans 12



Mojokong -- Basil's 31 Flavors of Chaos.

How to Run an NFL Team

Mike Brown has finally died, and by way of a radio call-in contest, I am given complete control of the team. The details of the first few days of my new regime are lost in a drunken mess of excessive ballyhooing and gallivanting around town. During this haze, I manage to appoint both friends and random strangers to superfluous titles within the organization. When I finally manage to roll out of bed with an awful hangover and an even worse temper, I fire everyone in the building including my newly hired friends. They resent me for it still.

The first order of business is to draw up the blueprint for the team. We start with the basics. I want oversized players at every position and one small, very fast player on offense. I want receivers who look like basketball players, truckloads of tight-ends and fullbacks, and an offensive line that looks like a city skyline. I want Big across the board – but don’t forget the little guy.

The little guy should be of the Sprowles, Metcalf, Joe Morris, James Brooks mold, and if he can throw the ball a little: even better. Trick plays have become chic this year with the wild(insert favorite animal here) formations we’re seeing all over the football world, and I’m an owner who likes to keep up with current trends. Obviously, he must catch well; we’re gonna need this person to return kicks and punts as well. The idea is that he can hide behind giant blockers until he speeds to the outside on screens, pitches, delays, draws, and the like.

Don’t worry about the little guy’s durability; we’re gonna employ a bruiser to compliment him. I want a 260 lbs. steam-rolling back who seeks out contact and crushes defenses into powder. I want to run it up the gut on fourth-and-goal and I want him to always fall forward. This player doesn’t need to be fast or athletic, and therefore shouldn’t be expensive. Just give me a big, hard-nosed tough guy who in all honestly should probably be playing defense.

There’s no reason to pay receivers a lot of money in my system. Just tall guys with good hands who block well and run good routes. They don’t have to be all that fast either -- see a trend developing yet?. I suppose we could find an affordable speedster just to keep the opposition honest, but maybe our multi-talented little guy could do that too, who knows?

Tight ends will be important in the offensive scheme, and we’ll pay top dollar for the best one money can buy. He will lead our team in receptions and should be most dangerous when in the red zone.

Defensively, we run a 3-4, because I like the ‘tweeners: the guys too small to play defensive line but too big to play linebacker. The outside linebackers I want probably played defensive end in college, became sack masters there, but scouts called them too small to play end in the NFL, like Connor Barwin. The three D lineman cannot be under 300 lbs. and the nose tackle needs to be the biggest of them all. They’re main job is just to be big enough to clog running lanes and allow the four linebackers to zoom in for tackles at the line of scrimmage.

The one position I will need speed is at middle linebacker. These guys don’t have to be the biggest linebackers but they by no means can be small. What I need most from them is the ability to go sideline-to-sideline and cover running backs and tight-ends on passing downs. They should be good tacklers who can wrap up runners before they reach the third tier of the defense; pass rushing is secondary for my MLB’s.

I want safeties who are better at stopping the run then they are at covering receivers. Hard hitters. The kind of guys who take chances because they aren't fast enough, but make you pay if they get their hands on you. My corners should be very physical, and should excel at open field tackling and jamming receivers at the line of scrimmage. Again, I don’t need speed burners at corner because they can jam, and because our pass rush won’t give offenses the time to go deep.

Philosophically, the team will sacrifice speed for power. We’re a ball-control offense now, who relies on quality special teams and field position. On defense, we’re a gang of angry brutes who want to end the game quickly by injuring every player on the opposing team. If you can run away from us, you might win, but don't let us catch you.

We’re grind-house. I’m grind-house. The GM is grind-house, the scouts, and the coaches too. The beer guys sell Grind-House Lager and guess what our stadium is renamed? Yep.

Mojokong – king for a day.