How to Run an NFL Team

Mike Brown has finally died, and by way of a radio call-in contest, I am given complete control of the team. The details of the first few days of my new regime are lost in a drunken mess of excessive ballyhooing and gallivanting around town. During this haze, I manage to appoint both friends and random strangers to superfluous titles within the organization. When I finally manage to roll out of bed with an awful hangover and an even worse temper, I fire everyone in the building including my newly hired friends. They resent me for it still.

The first order of business is to draw up the blueprint for the team. We start with the basics. I want oversized players at every position and one small, very fast player on offense. I want receivers who look like basketball players, truckloads of tight-ends and fullbacks, and an offensive line that looks like a city skyline. I want Big across the board – but don’t forget the little guy.

The little guy should be of the Sprowles, Metcalf, Joe Morris, James Brooks mold, and if he can throw the ball a little: even better. Trick plays have become chic this year with the wild(insert favorite animal here) formations we’re seeing all over the football world, and I’m an owner who likes to keep up with current trends. Obviously, he must catch well; we’re gonna need this person to return kicks and punts as well. The idea is that he can hide behind giant blockers until he speeds to the outside on screens, pitches, delays, draws, and the like.

Don’t worry about the little guy’s durability; we’re gonna employ a bruiser to compliment him. I want a 260 lbs. steam-rolling back who seeks out contact and crushes defenses into powder. I want to run it up the gut on fourth-and-goal and I want him to always fall forward. This player doesn’t need to be fast or athletic, and therefore shouldn’t be expensive. Just give me a big, hard-nosed tough guy who in all honestly should probably be playing defense.

There’s no reason to pay receivers a lot of money in my system. Just tall guys with good hands who block well and run good routes. They don’t have to be all that fast either -- see a trend developing yet?. I suppose we could find an affordable speedster just to keep the opposition honest, but maybe our multi-talented little guy could do that too, who knows?

Tight ends will be important in the offensive scheme, and we’ll pay top dollar for the best one money can buy. He will lead our team in receptions and should be most dangerous when in the red zone.

Defensively, we run a 3-4, because I like the ‘tweeners: the guys too small to play defensive line but too big to play linebacker. The outside linebackers I want probably played defensive end in college, became sack masters there, but scouts called them too small to play end in the NFL, like Connor Barwin. The three D lineman cannot be under 300 lbs. and the nose tackle needs to be the biggest of them all. They’re main job is just to be big enough to clog running lanes and allow the four linebackers to zoom in for tackles at the line of scrimmage.

The one position I will need speed is at middle linebacker. These guys don’t have to be the biggest linebackers but they by no means can be small. What I need most from them is the ability to go sideline-to-sideline and cover running backs and tight-ends on passing downs. They should be good tacklers who can wrap up runners before they reach the third tier of the defense; pass rushing is secondary for my MLB’s.

I want safeties who are better at stopping the run then they are at covering receivers. Hard hitters. The kind of guys who take chances because they aren't fast enough, but make you pay if they get their hands on you. My corners should be very physical, and should excel at open field tackling and jamming receivers at the line of scrimmage. Again, I don’t need speed burners at corner because they can jam, and because our pass rush won’t give offenses the time to go deep.

Philosophically, the team will sacrifice speed for power. We’re a ball-control offense now, who relies on quality special teams and field position. On defense, we’re a gang of angry brutes who want to end the game quickly by injuring every player on the opposing team. If you can run away from us, you might win, but don't let us catch you.

We’re grind-house. I’m grind-house. The GM is grind-house, the scouts, and the coaches too. The beer guys sell Grind-House Lager and guess what our stadium is renamed? Yep.

Mojokong – king for a day.