Allow Me To Dampen Your Enthusiasm, And Eat Your Brains

So how’s it going to be?

Expecting big things Sunday from the jalopy that’s parked in the giant, circular building along the riverbanks? Still riding the wave of relief of the first win that washed over the city two weeks ago? Or, are you considering maybe swallowing a xanax tomorrow morning to hopefully forget the oncoming onslaught you foresee swooping into Paul Brown Stadium?

As for me, well, I’m no dummy. Last game only helped prevent the Bengals from having their league membership revoked for next season. We at least beat somebody, which, sadly, is more than Detroit can say. And while I won’t necessarily rely on anxiety medication to get me through a likely dreary day best spent in and out of consciousness and doing laundry, I will, in fact, prepare for a gruesome three-hour ass-kicking by one very jaded Eagles squad. The tough loss to the Giants Sunday night didn’t hurt them, it just really pissed them off. They were bullied by a divisional rival at home, and now their looking to exert authority over the closest object in reach, (gulp) us.

But screw it, right? Abusing the Bengals is like defacing a tree stump. They’re zombies who have been dead for a while, but annoyingly keep getting back up after you’ve shot them a couple of times. It’s not going away until New Years and all that can be gained now is scaring a few teams, and, hopefully, turn a few into zombies with us.

It’s alright if you no longer care what happens. After all, you still have a life to lead. But there are some of us sadomasochists who can’t turn away from the gore and the violence, no matter what. And when we get even a morsel of victory, it feeds the addiction for a couple more weeks. It’s sick and depraved, and arguably a waste of time, but like I said, screw it, right?

On to the game.

McNabb reminds me of Rothlesburger in the facts that they're both hard to tackle and both seem almost better, or at least more comfortable, when flushed out of the pocket. McNabb doesn’t mind scrambling for first downs and isn’t one to slide if he doesn’t feel his life’s in danger. He’s got a better-than-average offensive line (zero sacks against a strong Giants pass rush), and can see receivers get open down field from another zip code. The Bengals’ pass rush needs to make it count when they’re lucky enough to get a hand on him. With no pressure put on McNabb, he likely ends up the fantasy football stud of Week 11.

Brian Westbrook is an enigmatic player that defenses have been trying to figure out his whole pro career. He can catch, he can run, he can block, he can return kicks if that’s what you need (this won’t happen tomorrow, I’m just sayin’). Zimmer would be smart to look at how the Giants kept him to 26 yards on 13 carries. The Bengals have nowhere near the personnel Giants’ defensive coordinator Steve Spagnola enjoys, but a solid game plan is worth emulating if its proven to work in the past. As pretty much always, I’d blitz often and hope that an inexperienced receiving corps doesn’t kill us. Plug the gaps with blitzers against the run and emphasize to those who are not, how important covering the tight ends and tailbacks will be. If you blitz, you gotta live with someone alone in man-to-man coverage, and for tomorrow’s scheme, that means leaving our pair of first-round corners on islands against the so-so Philly receivers. It’s a gamble of sorts, but again, screw it.

On offense, nothing changes. Stick with the West Coast scheme of a lot of short passes and delayed hand offs. Neutralize the blood thirsty blitz scheme of mad scientist and defensive coordinator, Jim Jones, and his number one gun, local star, Trent Cole, with the three to five step drops that Fitzpatrick fell into a rhythm with last week. Benson looks comfortable getting the ball in his hands a moment after the line has shown what its going to do, as opposed to running with his head down into the mash of the two lines fighting for supremacy - a la Rudi Johnson and Chris Perry, typically for a minimal gain. Hopefully Fitzy has watched tape of mediocre Bengal legend Jeff Blake on how to throw a proper deep ball. In theory, he’s bound to complete one sooner or later, so don’t stop giving it a shot every now and again.

With at least a very crude blueprint carved out by our kindergarten coaching staff, we at least know what can sometimes work with the players we’re throwing out there these days. Having two weeks off and a win streak intact has made me curiously optimistic. But I’m still no dummy.

Eagles 26, Bengals 17


Mojokong - Braaaaiiiinnss!!!!