LeBeau the Terrible

The Pittsburgh Steeler defense is not a gang. We Americans like to label groups of ruffians or hooligans as gangs. No sir, these guys dressed in black and gold, accented with an occasional blood splatter, are more of a band of tactical assassins. They may appear as dangerously reckless thugs who are aching to unleash their hostility on the closest adversary, but the real danger lies in the precision of their attack. At the helm of this methodical butchery, sitting quietly and hardly noticed behind a steel curtain, is a small, withered man in his seventies devising a blitz scheme that will someday bring the world to its knees. He is Dick LeBeau and he may be the most important man in the NFL.

LeBeau has lurked around the league for five decades, picking up pieces of his master plan here and there along the way. He is more than an innovator because his experiments are never complete. He devises a great and horrific zone blitz, tests it out on unfortunate subjects like the Bengals, and carefully catalogs the severe repercussions it has on ailing offenses. Not only that, but a useful byproduct of his weaponry is the intimidation and the destruction of morale an entire city can feel for generations.

And what better place for an evil headquarters where LeBeau can work undisturbed than Pittsburgh? A place that has historically produced so much gridiron carnage that Hans Blix might wanna take a peak behind that famous curtain of theirs. In the mid 90's, he showed off his new zone blitz that football people everywhere agreed was potentially catastrophic. He used outside linebackers Kevin Greene and Greg Lloyd as pass-rushing cruise missals, while employing the biggest middle-linebacker in recent memory, Levon Kirkland (280 lbs.), as a roaming run-stuffer with shoulder pads the size of sewer lids. They had more than teeth, they had venom. And it nearly produced a Super Bowl in 1995, falling short to a legandary Cowboys team.

Meanwhile, offensive coordinators everywhere pulled all-nighters inside the bowels of football arenas, staring blankly at chalkboards, trying to look “outside-the-box” on ways to counter this recent threat posed by LeBeau’s henchman. Once they finally crawled out into the sunlight, convinced they’d come up with a solution, to their horror, they saw that LaBeau had been working too, and that now he’d changed everything on them overnight. No longer were the outside linebackers needed to collect sacks. Instead, blitzes came from any and every player, and opposing coaches went stark raving mad trying to keep pace. The Steelers lost a tough game to another legendary team, this time to the Denver Broncos, in the 1997 AFC Conference game, 24-21.

Then something strange happened: LeBeau came here to Cincinnati. Perhaps he wanted a challenge, or maybe he had to prove something to himself. Maybe he just needed a change of scenery (though Cincinnati looks a lot like Pittsburgh), I don’t know. Whatever the reason, it didn’t work out. LeBeau couldn’t work in this environment. He lacked resources and was constantly interupted by a meddlesome owner. The success that seemed to manifest on its own for him in Pittsburgh, wasn’t happening in Cincinnati. Then, when finally he started getting results with his defense, Mike Brown appointed him as head coach upon Bruce Coslet’s abrupt departure, forcing Dick to focus on a broader task at hand, and failing miserably (12-33 as head coach).

Gone, but never far, LaBeau returned to the Steelers where they handed him back the keys to the laboratory where he previously made magic. LaBeau rolled up his sleeves and wasted little time in returning the Steeler defense to their ruthless ways of old. They’ve ranked as a top-10 defense - and first overall twice - since then.

It’s no different this year: number one in both rushing and passing defense, first in sacks, and allowing 15 points-per-game, good for second in the league. LeBeau has gone retro and returned to the ‘95 model of his scheme, now with LaMarr Woodley (9.5 sacks) and James Harrison (12) as his cruise missals. Not to mention that X-Men character of a strong safety, Troy Polamalu, stalking around the secondary like a predator on the plains of the Serengeti. Now with the Bengals lining up Thursday night weakened at left tackle due to injuries to Levi and Whitowrth, LaBeau is whipping his troops into a bloodthirsty frenzy, promising them the mayhem they crave.

I hope it rains that night in Pittsburgh. It would be a fitting addition to the cinematic horror we should all watch unfold. All we can hope for is that no one ends up seriously injured.

Damn you, LeBeau!!! We’ll get you someday!

Steelers 22, Bengals 6

Mojokong - To all bounty hunters: A favorable reward is offered for either of Hines Ward’s legs.